Wednesday, May 21, 2014

The 7th Edition CSM IG Breakup

*Editor's Note: The following is satire and in no way to be taken seriously by anyone, especially Games Workshop's blood sucking attorneys, especially especially that guy who thought it'd be a good idea to sue the author of the kid's book Space Marine. The only way to react to bad new is with humor*

Dateline: The Milky Way Galaxy; the 41st Millenium

After two years of wedded bliss, the Chaos Space Marines Codex and Imperial Guard Codex are breaking up. In a couple known throughout the internetz as "traitor guard," 40k players everywhere once rejoiced by fielding professionally trained and well-armed unit of basic human followers of the Gods of the Warp.

The story was broken by the new 40k 7th Edition allies chart, which revealed that the IG Codex and CSM Codex would only be seeing each other "come the apocalypse." For Imperial Guardsmen and their commanders, there was much rejoicing. Lord Commissar Markus Xerius said of the events "This is great news! I can retire now, knowing that only the Adeptus Astartes and common citizens [cultists] can fall to the temptations of the Warp. GW has decided all guardsmen are immune to corruption and would never serve the dark gods."

Korodus Etogaur, a leader in the Ashen Veil, a professional military unit based on the Sanguinary Worlds' Blood Pact, and dedicated to the Chaos god Khorne, was saddened by the news "We've been fighting with this group of Berzerkers for a couple years now. They really knew how to get shit done, know what I mean? Now GW says we have to abide by a restraining order and stay 12" from them? I just don't get it. Didn't Matt Ward read his Dan Abnett?"

Some Internet pundits have suggested that this breakup is indicative of GW's plans to introduce a Traitor Guard codex supplement. Other expert tea-leaf readers claim that because Forge World already has such as list (Vraks Renegades), that this imaginary GW product will probably be released "come the apocalypse."

40k players who have invested conversion time, money, and paint to create their traitor guard forces expressed outrage at the news. Many are looking to Forgeworld, commonly viewed as the more caring and resin-y side of GW by the 40k community, to update their Vraks Renegades list for 7th edition.

Sources inside GW claim the breakup was engineered by Matt Ward, ostensibly because one time his Ultramarines/Grey Knight Mary Sue Brofist army got "WTFPWND" by a Traitor Guard force with an allied Heldrake during early play testing.

In related news, the CSM Codex has recently been seen at a fondue restaurant with the NewCron Codex. While Necrons once considered the powers of the warp to be their anathema, clearly no fluff is too sacred or too good for GW to retcon away.


  1. thanks for this post m8! I had a good lough :)

  2. Very funny indeed, especially Etogaur's comment about Khorne.